Usually, on February 20, we would head out somewhere like Elbow Falls or someplace for a nice hike in nature. Last year though, I wasn’t feeling it. I couldn’t pinpoint why, but I remember telling Scott I felt off. As a result, I spent most of the day in my room, either sleeping or cuddling up, watching movies with Niko.
A couple of days later. Tuesday, to be exact. I was getting ready to jump on my re-occurrent Tuesday video call with Anna. We met on Tuesdays, usually between 10 am and 12 pm. Anna was my business coach.
At 10:08, I messaged her to tell her I was running just a few minutes late.
The endless circle of doom on my Zoom window felt never-ending.
Still waiting for a response.
10:21 I messaged, “I’m going to assume something came up. I hope everything is okay.”
This was very unlike Anna. Not only did we meet on Tuesdays for a couple of hours at a time, but we also messaged between meetings often.
I had another meeting scheduled with her later that day for a workshop that another individual was putting on.
Again, the endless circle of doom was all I could see on my zoom screen.
Something felt off.
I don’t know how often I looked at my phone that day, but it was well into the hundreds—waiting, just waiting for Anna to fill me in on some explanation for why she missed two scheduled meetings.
This was so unlike her.
Later that evening, I mentioned to Scott what was going on. I had briefly mentioned Anna to Scott before that, but he wasn’t aware of the extent I had been working with her. Scott isn’t aware of half the stuff I get up to in my workspace in the basement.
I told him this was really unlike her, and I felt worried. I knew even if something personal was going on she would likely reach out. She was my business coach, but she was also my friend.
She shared a lot with me. Inside and outside of sessions.
I told Scott that if I hadn’t heard from her by the next morning, I was contacting the one person I knew was connected to her and could check in to see if she was okay.
I also contacted a couple of our shared connections on LinkedIn and then continued to wait.
The following day, I woke up to this:
“Hi Meg, I just found out about Anna and am in shock. She passed away on Sunday due to a car accident.”
Sunday was February 20.
Sunday, I felt off.
Now I knew why.
I jumped out of bed so fast, but simultaneously, I felt like I couldn’t even walk. My legs were numb.
“Scott, Anna died”
I honestly couldn’t believe it. How can this be happening? I instantly thought of her husband and eventually learned he survived the accident, but Anna and her sweet dog Midnight did not.
She spoke of both her husband and Midnight often. One of the last conversations I remember having with her about her dog was how the vet gave her a gold star for how she had been keeping her dog groomed. She received this info from her husband while we were on a call once, and she was so excited.
Anna was 37 years old.
I had never met her in person. She was from Ontario.
Anna was my business coach, but she was also my friend, and more than that, I believe our souls connected long before we ever met. The first moment I met her, it felt like we had known each other forever, and although I believed this connection was unique, this was how Anna connected with most people she came in contact with.
I have often looked at her social media just to read some of her past posts and channel her energy. I came across one where people were describing her in one word. These were some of the words included: playful energy but taking no bullshit, strong, wise, a laugh that is so big it’s impossible not to respond with a smile, intuitive, fearless, authentic, kind, determined, confident, empathetic, compassionate.
When Anna died, I was devastated. To be honest, I felt abandoned. We had so much work to do, both of us, not only in our business lives but in our personal lives. She knew more about my plans, goals, and dreams than anyone else, other than Scott. She had visions and goals for herself and important work to do. The world would now miss out.
Over the last year, I have had to do a lot work to process this death. Once again, I found myself trying to make sense of life taken far too soon, yet I know better. You can’t make sense of this kind of thing; you have to trust it.
Much easier said than done; trust me, I know.
I will continue to carry Anna in my heart; her soul guides me now. I miss her deeply, and my heart will always hold a special place for her and her family, who had to experience such an immense loss. I know how Anna impacted her connections in the business world, and I have no doubt her impact on her family was similar and then some.
We woke up this morning to a ton of snow. I don’t know if anyone loved when it snowed more than Nick. When it snowed, he was like a kid in a candy store. He couldn’t wait to get out on his sled.
Seven years it’s been.
I miss him.
This year I have felt it a lot.
In the last couple of months, I got married and finished my master’s degree. These are all things I thought I was going to accomplish with Nick. I don’t use the word supposed to anymore because I now know you are never “supposed” to do anything.
I wholeheartedly believe it now.
Seven years ago, I decided to return to school just a month before Nick died, and now I am finished.
For now, anyway.
I have completed these goals I had set for myself, and now I must figure out what to do next. The beauty is I have options, but I want to avoid jumping into one impulsively. Meditation and journaling continue to be my way of listening. Listening to what my soul is trying to say. It’s not always easy because let’s face it, there is so much fucking noise out there, but I am actively listening every day, and right now, my soul is saying just be patient. Trust the process. And take a minute to relax.
That is precisely what I am doing.
Last week, we went to see Thomas Rhett. Jordan Davis was one of his openers. To say I was impressed would be a huge understatement. He performed the song Detours, and the moment he mixed it with Fix You by Cold Play, Scott and I looked at each other in complete astonishment. We both had goosebumps, and we were utterly blown away by what we were hearing. Not only did we love the song Detours, but then he amalgamated it with another one of our favorites. When Fix You plays in the car, I will admit, we completely ignor the rest of the world around us to passionately sing along and embrace every word.
It’s no secret I am a massive fan of music, and it is one of my therapies. I am one of those people who feels music in my bones and deep within my soul. It moves me, it inspires me, it motivates me, and it cleanses me. I am so glad I have found someone who shares that same love for music. I love the moments when you know the people you are with are connecting to the music the same way you are.
The moment you are both in tears, just feeling the energy happening all around.
I love that Austyn and Ryley are getting into live music, and although they didn’t quite understand the reaction Scott and I had to this performance, I am confident someday they will, and they better get used to tears rolling down my face when a song is pure magic because that will never change.
I remember once when my band teacher said something like, if your music makes someone cry, you’ve somehow moved them. I feel the very same way when I am sitting with a client.
Those moments when I have asked an intentional question that brings them to tears, I know I’ve found “the thing.”
The thing that needs healing.
It gives me chills every time, which drives me to do this work.
At the beginning of our short time together, I sent Anna a YouTube video of the song Leave a Light On by Tom Walker and told her this song very eloquently describes what I am trying to do in this world. I told her every time I listen to it; it inspires me to keep going because that light is my Why.
I won’t share exactly what she said to me in response to her listening to the song because it is personal to her, but I will say that it connected us even more. It was then I knew she could see my vision and also understood it.
I miss her, and this song means more to me now than ever.
When I listen to it, I feel her.
I have been missing Nick and Anna longer than I ever knew them. They both came into my life and left a remarkable imprint that will never disappear. I don’t want it to. I don’t understand why their lives were cut short, and over the years, I have begun to accept that we are all here for a reason, and when that reason has been complete, our souls return to where they came from.
Not everyone will share in this belief, which is perfectly okay, but it is what I feel is true and brings me comfort. I feel so blessed to have been a part of their soul’s journey. Although the loss of them brought me pain, the knowing of them brought me so much more.
Today I wanted to take a minute to remember them both.
I have shed more tears in the last few days than I thought I would, and I am not sorry.
Although I have never been happier in my life, I still have a lot of moments where I sit and remember those I’ve lost.
I remember the pain I felt.
The impossible moments I have overcome.
I remember those who contributed so much meaning to my life.
To this perspective, I have.
To this constant knowing that all will be okay as long as there is Hope.
I wouldn’t change a single part of my life because it is beautiful. Our tiny house that our family has outgrown, the laughs, the cries, the lack of sleep, the never-ending schedule. I wouldn’t change any of it because I have finally made it. I am not done growing, but I feel content, and I believe that is a very special feeling.
For anyone out there who is hurting and in the depths of their pain, I see you, and I pray that even on the days you feel like you can’t go one more minute, try to have a tiny ounce of Hope. After every storm, the light shines again.
Things will be grey for a while; I remember those days, but now I see color as more vibrant than ever before. If you feel alone, please reach out, and I will help you find someone who can walk you through this part of your journey.
You do not have to go at it alone, nor should you.
Thank you, Nick and Anna, for all you gave this world. You will never be forgotten, and I will acknowledge and shine a light on your lives any chance I get. I am blessed to have known you both and my life was better having had you in it.